‘Net case: Debbie Schlussel

Posted: July 1, 2006 in Blogs worth reading, Movies, Reviews

The World Wide Web is full of some odd people. Some of these odd people are a little bit eccentric, the type you’d invite to a party just so they’d liven things up a bit; a bit odd but nice enough and generally harmless as long as you can keep down their alcohol consumption. Then there’s the other type of odd ‘net person who, when seeing their thoughts/opinions/stuff, you are forced to wonder what sort of medications they’re on and how can said mind altering substances be legal. These aren’t the type of people you’d invite to a party because their innane stupidty would probably result in you trying to stab yourself in the brain via your eye just to make the hurting stop. You know exactly the type I mean, admit it.

Now, people are more than welcome to be their own individual self and hold whatever opinions they like. It’s kind of why the world we know is such an interesting place sometimes – but sometimes you find those whacked out people who simply don’t make the slightest bit of sense what-so-ever and you just say ‘What the F–k?’. That’s what I plan these ‘net case’ (it’s a play on words, I’m sure you can figure it out) spotlights to be about – pointing out those people on the ‘net who are simply too bizarre/stupid/whacked out/whatever to be believed.

superman_returns_01.jpgWhile I was doing some reading up for my own little review of Superman Returns, I happened to be directed to a review of the movie done by one ‘Debbie Schlussel’. It’s surprisingly funny stuff, simply because she attempts to make the loosest of connections and draw the longest metaphorical bows I’ve seen – and I’ve done Film & Narrative analysation classes. I’m not American and thus I’ve never heard of her before; apparently she’s a member of MENSA, is a right wing columnist and appears on the Howard Stern show a bit. Apparently she’s also regarded as a bit of a complete raving lunatic (which would explain the Stern appearances I guess) and possibly insane (as referenced here, here, here and here).

Anyhow let’s rip apart her rather bizarre review, shall we? Bewarned! Her review makes almost no sense and is completely out of context so Elvis only knows how this will turn out…

So Lois Lane is a single mother . . . and a slut. That’s the most disturbing part of “Superman Returns,” heavily marketed to kids and in theaters tonight.

Single mother. Well, see below for that misused description. ‘Slut’? Hm, pretty liberal use of the term there… let’s see. Her previous partner went missing for years without a word of where he had gone so eventually she hooks up with one other known partner, who from all available accounts, is actually a pretty decent guy who is has a steady, high income job and is prepared to look after a kid who may not even be his. Yeah, ‘slut’ is such the correct term to use there.

In World War II, Superman’s comic book inventors had him fighting the Nazis. Today, they won’t dare show him fighting contemporary Nazis–Islamofascists.

Hm, someone doesn’t read reasonably modern Superman comics then. No, they’re not specifically named but Superman has tackled wicked regimes which were such places in all but name before. I believe it was during a story arc called Superman Rex, actually – wherein the Man of Tomorrow started running the world his way (for the betterment of mankind, of course). He doppled the afore mentioned regimes and all that … unfortunately the whole point of that story was that he was being mentally influenced at the time and that Superman would never do that under normal circumstances – because he’s the superhero embodiement of the compassionate, humane man and freedom of belief is a fundamental right every person on the planet should have.

Maybe that’s why “Truth, Justice & the American Way,” is now just “Truth & Justice.”

Or maybe it’s because the producers wanted to release a movie people other than America (there are lots of other democracy loving countries out there, which would probably come as a big shock to some Americans) would care about. The American Way is about as meaningful to the rest of the world as a three week old banana skin. Frankly, if good ol’ Truth and Justice isn’t good enough for you then something is quite wrong.

Like every sensitive, slacker metrosexual, Supe’s gone off for five years to “discover himself.”

060628_tall_superman_208.jpg‘Discover himself’ is an interesting quote to use since I don’t actually recall it appearing in the movie or script at all. The reason for him leaving Earth was pretty plainly spelt out – astronomers found the remains of his home planet and so he thought he’d go and check it out – you know, in case there are any survivors of his own race still floating about somewhere? How that rates as ‘discovering himself’ is beyond me.

Nice message to send to your kids who will be begging to see this. No smoking lectures by Superman and plugs for tofu sandwiches got a lot of play though. Script-writers were more concerned with that kind of health than the splendid problems single motherhood brings.

I’m actually wondering how Lois counts as being a single mother in practical terms. She’s got a live at home partner who helps look after lil’ Jason White/Kent/Lane/El, she herself enjoys a highly successful career (as shown since she’s a pulitzer prize winner) while lil’ piano chucking Jason seems pretty with it socially and emotionally. Smoking? Last I checked, smoking is attributed to millions of deaths world wide … the last death attributed to ‘single’ motherhood? Unless I’m wrong … that’d be zero.

“Supe Returns” writers also paid too much attention to the accuracy of minute and unimportant details, such as the fact that Kryptonite was found in Addis Ababa. But who cares about those things?

That was a little Easter Egg – check the date. 1978, when Christopher Reeve’s first Superman movie was released for the enjoyment of the general public. ‘Too much detail’, … sort of like saying there’s ‘too much chocolate’ in a candy bar really.

Is that more important than the messages projected to America’s kids–especially girls who may want to emulate Lois Lane?

Yes, for heaven forbid that modern female members of society don’t want to be tied down in a kitchen looking after lil’ kiddies while abandoning highly successful and fulfilling careers that help make society better.

So, as you can probably gather for yourself … the review really made absolutely no sense and for reasons I fail to understand tries to constantly link back to really weird societal values that people realised weren’t such a great idea back in the 1960’s. I’m gathering that she doesn’t like women having successful careers (despite having one herself, oddly enough, though how that happened is anyone’s guess) if they have children or are unmarried … or something, it’s not entirely clear. But then, I don’t think a lot of sense comes from her general direction at the best of times, that review of Superman Returns certainly didn’t include any.


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